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July 21, 2008

Charles Deemer has the first three chapters of The Audio Book of Ginny Good at the Oregon Literary Review. Go listen to them. Or not. Here's an excerpt from the latest chapter I've been fiddling with of Oprah's Dead Son. Don't count on ever seeing it in print 'cause the only books you're ever gonna see in print are moneygrubbing bullshit books written by moneygrubbing bullshit writers and published by moneygrubbing bullshit publishers to make more and more moneygrubbing money by turning your poor pea-brains into Pablum. Oh, in case anyone thinks the excerpt sounds "anti-Semitic," keep in mind it's fiction and that characters in novels say all sorts of silly things:

OPRAH'S DEAD SON Chapter Forty-one (excerpt) "...Jews got given the State of Israel because of Hitler. Jews can do no wrong on account of all the wrong that got done to them, the same way Hitler got given Germany on account of all the wrong that got done to Germans after the First World War. The State of Israel can get away with murder the same way Nazis got away with murder. To the victor goes the spoils. Because of the Holocaust, Israel doesn't have to abide by international law. The Israeli Defense Force can attack and occupy any territory it wants to attack and occupy. UN resolutions have no effect on the State of Israel. Israel can kill and maim and kidnap and make slaves of anyone it wants to kill and maim and kidnap and make slaves of. Ten or twenty thousand Palestinians have been getting routinely tortured in Israeli jails for decades but let one IDF soldier get lost in Gaza for a day or two and all holy hell breaks loose, and that's just for starters. Because of Hitler, Israel has the God-given right to have all the nuclear weapons it wants and the means to shoot them anywhere it wants any time it wants and doesn't have to be a party to any ridiculous nuclear nonproliferation treaty, like those idiots in Iran. "Who's more likely to nuke its neighbors, or anyone else in the world for that matter? A country with no nuclear weapons that's a party to a global nonproliferation treaty or a country with four hundred nuclear warheads on missiles in submarines that can be launched in minutes against any other country in the world and isn't a party to a nonproliferation treaty? Oh, go ahead and throw tons of chemical and biological weapons in the mix, while you're at it. Jews are a hundred times more likely to be billionaires because everyone else in the world is scared of them. First, they're in complete control of all propaganda, all media, all entertainment, all politics...second, the State of Israel has more nuclear weapons than China and the UK put together and third, the United States will protect and defend Israel at all costs against all enemies forever. If you piss off a Jew nobody will ever hear a word you have to say and if you piss off Israel you'll get nuked. It's a stacked deck. All you ever hear about is Jews—Jews in the news, Jews in government, Jews in think tanks, Jews in New York, Jews in Hollywood...watch TV, go to the movies, listen to a politician, read a newspaper or a magazine or go to a baseball game if you don't believe me—and if you take normal, everyday nice Jews out of the equation, Jews who just live their lives like anyone else, the handful of Jews that's left has utter dominion over the hearts and minds of most everyone most everywhere and enough nuclear weapons to turn the Middle East—or China or Russia or the United States or anyone else who happens to piss 'em off—into a parking lot in ten minutes flat..." Read the previous two chapter here.

If you wanna listen to more chapters of The Audio Book of Ginny Good, click this:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Here's the real book of Ginny Good in its entirety for free:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Here it is in a different format, also free:

http://www.readersandwritersblog.com/nonfiction/ginny-good

If you want a free copy of the whole huge fifteen-hour audio book extravaganza on .mp3 CDs, give me an address and I'll send you a copy. There's a bunch of other stuff on my little website, too. Click some links and see. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

PFD
Drury House
34-43 Russell Street
London WC2B 5HA

http://www.pfd.co.uk

United Agents
130 Shaftesbury Avenue
London, W1D 5EU
+44 (0) 20 7166 5266

http://www.unitedagents.co.uk

Dear Gerard: Many thanks for sending me the links to your Ginny Good website. I'm afraid that I did not quite feel that all-important connection with your work that I know is vital in this industry, but please do not give up. There are as many opinions out there as there are agents, and a full list of them can be found at:

http://www.bloomsbury.com/writersarea/AgentsUK.asp

With best wishes and good luck in your future endeavours, Simon Trewin

Hey, Simon, part of my site is a more comprehensive list of agents than the Bloomsbury site. Here's the page you're on:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/aguk.html

Here's another chapter of the audio book I just put up, click the link and take a listen. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch07m.mp3
Hi Gerard I'm an R&B artist that came across your website looking for contact emails for the top talent agencies. To be honest I have not read/heard the book, I'm busy trying to convince the fat people to promote my art but Ill find time for it. Im passing it to my family. But the more I get in contact with the industry the less I want to become part of it. I dont know if there's a place colder than the entertainment industry. You mean nothing unless they can generate cash from you. I'm not just another myspacer wannabestar. I feel lucky that I was born in Africa, my parents taught some antimaterialistic sense...and I wasn't born in the states so....No, I wont donate my liver to Oprah's niece like 80% of Americans would do. Sometimes I think Im too pesimistic but capitalism is killing eeeverything, I see it close in music cause that's what I'm into...but its the same with everything. We are falling into this big technologie monsters of media helping making a few richer and richer and in the middle most people can't find a meaning to their lives...well they don't even stop to think about it. Even personal relationships are going the way they want, the way we dress..virtualy everything. I had a wonderful time reading your replies to the politically polite standard emails you got from agents. You really kill it. What i hate most in entertianment is that fakeness everywhere, egocentric attitude and...welll you know the rest. There's actually no reason to turn down anything but money. I go out to clubs an d everybody is recreating the fiction and smiling the way MTV told them...SCARY. Thank you for the website. Stay real Gerard, the truth is always the best. Keep spreading the truth there will always be 2 ears/eyes out there. God bless you with love and good health.
ith best wishes and good luck in your future endeavours, Simon Trew

Dear Gerard: I have read and thoroughly enjoyed your book. It is well written, original and very entertaining, and I would be really keen to have a go at placing it with a publisher on your behalf. In the meantime, I'd love to learn a bit more about you! Who you are and where you live for a start. Do give me a ring or email me more details. I can also tell you a bit more about me and how I work so you can decide if you would like me to represent you. I look forward to hearing from you soon. All best Rosemary

...The other reservation I have is if you spend all kinds of money on copies and ancilliary services and don't sell the book, am I supposed to pay for all that? Which I'm telling you right now I can't because I don't have any money. Lastly, I didn't see a long list of successful placements of this kind of book below your name in the PFD website but I think this would be new enough to both of us that it might just work out astonishingly well. I hope these questions aren't too unreasonable. I would very much like to trust that I could just sign the thing and let you take care of everything to our eternal mutual satisfaction. Let me know what to do next. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerry Your comments and questions seem eminently reasonable. Yes, I am enthusiastic, and that is (I think) the single most important quality you need in an agent. And although as you rightly say I do not represent a long list of quirky American novelists, there is a lot to be said from your point of view for not being simply one of a big pack. As you can see, I am backed up by the expertise, experience and reputation of the biggest UK agency and we have extremely good relationships with all the UK publishers. I agree that the big question mark is how best to represent you in the States, and I don't think there is an easy answer. All I can really do from here is - either recommend you to one of the NY agents we work with from here - at which point their decision will still be a personal one based on how they feel about your work. Or submit direct from here to US publishers - a time-consuming business with no guarantee of success.

Alternatively, you could continue to work direct in the US - find yourself a New York agent who will champion you there. The final option - and possibly the best - is to sell World English language rights to the UK publisher who will then take a (small) percentage and sell the US rights themselves. Most UK publishers have energetic rights departments who would love to get their hands on a book like this for the American market. On to the commission question. As I said, the 10% UK and 20% US figures are for UK residents (usually). Perhaps you and I could agree a compromise - say 15% on both? As you probably know, most New York agents charge 15% for US rights and 20% for UK so on 15% for both you would be getting a bargain! Let me know what you think.

And finally - if I fail to sell the book you don't have to pay a penny - it is our job to take that risk! Give me a ring if you want to talk about any of this - I can always ring you back! I look forward to hearing from you soon. All best Rosemary

Quirky? Yeah, well, okay. I like the part about a thoroughly, uniquely and truly totally American book slipping into US markets through the UK while all the US houses are scouring the streets of Calcutta to find things to translate from Hindi. What's that quote about a prophet in his own country? Being despised? Ignored? I forget. But wouldn't that be slick? Okay, I say let's do it. Thanks. G.

Rogers, Coleridge & White
20 Powis Mews
London, W11 1JN

http://www.rcwlitagency.co.uk

Curtis Brown Group, Ltd.
Haymarket House
28/29 Haymarket
London SW1Y 4SP

http://www.curtisbrown.co.uk

I tracked you down! And put a link to the press release. Hey, did anyone ever send you my beautiful book? Did you ever read it? Here's a chapter of the audio book you'd like. It's all girlie:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch27m.mp3

I've also added about a billion media guys:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/pv/pv01.html

Thanks. G.

AP Watt Ltd
20 John Street
London WC1N 2DR

http://www.apwatt.co.uk

Hi Gerard: As a struggling, not-so-young-anymore agent I get frustrated the way you do. I guess there is a certain amount of closed shop attitude but I don?t think that explains it all. The trouble is I think everyone's fighting against a faceless enemy in a way. For you it's agents and editors. For me it's editors and sometimes their sales colleagues. For editors it's sometimes their sales colleagues or sometimes what they perceive the reading public to be or maybe even me for not sending them what they want. Sales people have to please the booksellers. Booksellers the public. Everyone struggles a bit and most people don't mean any harm. It'll change and it's already changing because of the internet so that the process of selection becomes more democratic and directly linked to the reading public. And we'll all likely be out of a job. So you'll probably be laughing last and longest. Good luck with everything. With best wishes, Anjali

Hey, Anjali, you're absolutely right, of course. From the mud grows the lotus. Here's a chapter you'd like. The last three minutes or so, especially. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch17m.mp3

A.M.Heath & Co. Ltd.
6 Warwick Court
Holborn
London WC1R 5DJ

http://www.amheath.com

Blake Friedmann Agency Ltd.
122 Arlington Road
London NW1 7HP

http://www.blakefriedmann.co.uk

Casarotto, Ramsay & Associates
Casarotto, Marsh, Ltd.
National House, 60-66 Wardour Street
London W1V 4ND

http://www.casarotto.uk.com

Christopher Little Literary Agency
10 Eel Brook Studios
125 Moore Park Road
London SW6 4PS

http://www.christopherlittle.net

Wylie Agency Ltd.
17 Bedford Square
London WC1B 3JA

http://www.wylieagency.co.uk

Ed Victor, Ltd.
6 Bayley Street
Bedford Square
London WC1B 3HB

Janklow and Nesbit Ltd.
29 Adam and Eve Mews
London W8 6UG

David Higham Associates Ltd.
5-8 Lower John Street, Golden Square
London W1F 9HA

http://www.davidhigham.co.uk

Independent Talent Group
76 Oxford Street
London W1D 1BS
+44 20 7636 6565

http://www.independenttalent.com

Partial Client List:

Actors: Michael Caine, Maggie Smith, Gary Oldman, Alan Rickman, Sam Mendes, Ben Kingsley, Rupert Everett, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Sir Anthony Hopkins

Directors: Mike Newell, Danny Boyle, Guy Ritchie...

ICM Books
4-6 Soho Square
London W1D 3PZ

Aitken Alexander Associates
18-21 Cavaye Place
London SW10 9PT
020 7373 8672

http://www.aitkenalexander.co.uk

***Redacted***

Actually I have both an agent and a publisher for Ginny Good, it's been out since April. Now I'm trying to get someone to buy the British rights and make a movie out of it. With my other books, I'm starting from scratch. You should read one or two of them. Maybe you'll want to be my agent. You think? Here's what Nick Clee had to say about GG in his column in the Guardian:

http://books.guardian.co.uk/review/story/0,12084,1226356,00.html

I write important, carefully crafted books really, really well. That's a hard commodity to sell, I admit. Agents like to represent unimportant, ill-considered, easy to sell schlock and publishers like to buy unimportant, ill-considered, easy to sell schlock. It's a match made in marketing heaven. I see it as a sign of excellence that not many people have paid much attention to my work. Give it fifty years or so. Thanks. G.

The Marsh Agency
11 Dover Street
London, W1S 4LJ

(Peterson-Marsh)

http://www.marsh-agency.co.uk

IMG Literary UK
Pier House
Strand on the Green
London W4 3NN

http://www.imgspeakers.com

William Morris Agency UK Ltd.
52/53 Poland Street
London W1F 7LX

Unsolicited material welcome. Please send or e-mail 3 chapters and a synopsis of your work. Particular interest in fiction, history, politics and biography. Thanks, Eugenie Furniss

Sheil Land Associates, Ltd.
Literary, Thearer & Film Agents
43 Doughty Street
London WC1N 2LF

Johnson & Alcock, Ltd.
Clerkenwell House
45-47 Clerkenwell Green
London EC1R 0HT

http://www.johnsonandalcock.co.uk

Hi Gerard, Didn't realise Johnson & Alcock had crept onto your slate, delighted you've got us listed. We're a relatively small agency that likes to punch above its weight, with clients including Dick Francis, Dame Beryl Bainbridge, Clare Francis, DM Thomas, Phil Rickman, Jenny Joseph, James Hamilton-Paterson and Lisa Hilton. My role here is to inject a bit of youth into the list, and I'm particularly looking for quirky non-fiction, postmodern fiction, graphic novelists and anything brimming with zeitgeist.

Big fan of the site and have been for a few years – you serve a vital part in connecting talented authors with the people best equipped to deal with them. Please keep up the good work! Perhaps you should write about the process of keeping a site like EVERYONE WHO'S ANYONE going, and your daily combat with the media machine. Please send through anything to me that might be of interest (hardcopy only, we don't accept e-submissions yet), and very best of luck with your writing in the future. Cheerio, E

It's rare that an agent says anything but bitchy things to me. Thanks! If you want a copy of the audio book of Ginny Good on .mp3 CDs, let me know and I'll send you a copy. Here's the index:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

Here's a sample chapter:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch35m.mp3

And here's the whole real book for free online. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Oh, oh, and speaking of "brimming with zeitgeist," here's a little snippet of a conversation between a character in my latest book and Oprah Winfrey:

"All goat herders want cars. It's a well-known fact."

"That's the difference between you and me. It's your job to con some poor goat herder into working himself to death to buy the car people pay you to want him to want. It's my job to get you to leave the poor goat herder alone. Making money is all that matters in America anymore. There's no free speech, no free press, no free anything, just the poor making the rich richer and the rich making the richer richer and so on and so on until the only thing that's gonna be left is Bill Gates and Warren Buffett sticking their thumbs in each other's Christmas pies, pulling out each other's plums and saying, 'What a good boy am I!' over and over 'til doomsday. How fun. There is no God but Money and Oprah Winfrey is His messenger." The old guy raises his right arm like a Nazi salute pointed in the general direction of Mecca.

"Don't be absurd." Spirals of Oprah's still-wet hair seem to tremble some around her animated, un-made-up face. "There's more free everything than there ever was. Have you looked at the Internet lately—the Internet that Bill Gates and Paul Allen and Sergey Brin and a bunch of other rich guys built, by the way? You can stick up any kind of crackpot crap you wanna stick up for next to nothing. If that's not free speech and a free press I don't know what is."

"Oh, it's free, all right, but it ain't speech and it ain't press. It's gibberish, it's glut, it's moronic bloggers kvetching in a vacuum on a million mindless blogs, it's cell phone drivel and text message twaddle, it's trillions of terabytes of turgid tripe that gets totally tuned out unless someone can make some money from it. Nobody notices anything that someone didn't get paid to tell 'em to notice. Hype is all that matters and hype is far from free—you of all people should appreciate that.

"If something doesn't make money you can't pay anyone to hype it, right? Nothing that doesn't get hyped ever gets heard so, obviously, the only speech you hear and the only press you pay any attention to is speech and press that was bought and paid for—which precludes it by definition from being free speech and a free press, which is exactly what I said, there's no free speech and there's no free press. Go ahead and argue all you want, but you're wrong. The only speech that ever gets heard and the only press that ever gets read is expensive speech and expensive press. You only know what people get paid to tell you to know and that means you can only know what's gonna make someone some money. Teachers, preachers, politicians, musicians, magicians and every other kind of media and entertainment dick there is from Walt Disney and Rupert Murdoch to Big Bird and Tom Brokaw, they all get paid to tell you what to know." The old guy cranks the foot rest of the La-Z-Boy down and stands up with Isaac in his arms. "You think what your owners want you to think." He stands over her, keeping the kid balanced, still sleeping, against his chest.

"My owners?"

"The guys who own you, yeah. The guys who bought you fair and square and use you to keep people like them away from people like me."

Rod Hall Agency Ltd.
6th Floor
Fairgate House
78 New Oxford Street
London WC1A 1HB

http://www.rodhallagency.com

The Dench Arnold Agency
10 Newburgh Street
London W1F 7RN

http://www.dencharnold.co.uk

Capel & Land, Ltd.
29 Wardour Street
London W1D6PS

http://www.capelland.com

The McKernan Agency
5 Gayfield Square
Edinburgh EH1 3NW
0131 557 1771

http://www.mckernanagency.co.uk

Robinson Literary Agency
Block A511
The Jam Factory
27 Green Walk
London, SE1 4TT
020 7357 6305

Rochelle Stevens and Company
2 Terrets Place, Upper Street
London N1 1QZ

http://www.rochellestevens.com

Lutyens and Rubinstein
231 Westbourne Park Road
London W11 1EB

http://www.lutyensrubinstein.co.uk

Abner Stein Agency
10 Roland Gardens
London SW7 3PH

Annette Green Authors' Agency
1 East Cliff Road
Tunbridge Wells
Kent TN4 9AD

http://www.annettegreenagency.co.uk

Gerard, I started this agency in 1998 having worked for one of the larger agencies for ten years. My specific intention was to launch new novelists, and that remains the same. In Spring 2001 David Smith joined the agency and handles most of our non fiction. We are always open to new authors (naturally!) but are always oversubscribed. We promise a speedy turn around nonetheless. Clients include: Andrew Baker, Nick Barlay, Julia Bell, Bill Broady, Meg Cabot (US), Fiona Gibson, Justin Hill, Maria McCann, Ian Marchant and Adam Macqueen. Best wishes, Annette

Dear Annette: Thanks. Your response was perfect. If everyone were so forthcoming and succinct, ah, what a grand world it would be. G.

Dear Gerard, Still a great site - just a shame we're so near the bottom!. Many congratulations on publication of GINNY GOOD. How are you getting on in the British market? Best wishes, David Smith

I'll move you up a ways, but there's a whole other page of British agents "below" yours. As for the market, pfssh, lots of people loved the book, like that Nick Clee guy who used to be at the Bookseller and Anne Weale who's probably still there, but it doesn't have a British publisher and therefore no British hype so it's not doing as well as it would if it did. Thanks. G.

Judith Chilcote Agency
8 Wentworth Mansions
Keats Grove
London NW3 2RL

Edwards Fuglewicz
49 Great Ormond Street
London WC1N 3HZ

Graham Maw Christie Literary Agency
19 Thornhill Crescent
London N1 4LD

http://www.grahammawagency.com

Laurence Pollinger Ltd.
9 Staple Inn
Holborn
London WC1V 7QH

http://www.pollingerltd.com

Brie Burkeman
14 Neville Court, Abbey Road
London NW8 9DD

MBA Literary Agents, Ltd.
62 Grafton Way
London W1T 5DW

http://www.mbalit.co.uk

Dear Gerard: MBA is a well-established agency, representing authors in all genres of books as well as scriptwriters for film, TV, radio and stage. Fuller details can be found in The Writers' and Artists' Yearbook (published by A&C Black) or The Writer's Handbook (published by Macmillan) or at the website of the Association of Authors' Agents:

http://agentsassoc.co.uk

Sadly, as I'm very heavily committed at the moment, I'm not able to consider new clients. But best wishes for your every success with your endeavours. Many thanks! Meg

Dear Meg: I'll include the website for the Association of Author' Agents. I'm just saying about people anything he or she may wish to say. Thanks again. G.

Lucas Alexander Whitley
14 Vernon Street
London W14 0RJ

http://www.lawagency.co.uk

Marjacq Scripts
34 Devonshire Place
London, W1G 6JW

http://www.marjacq.com

Conville & Walsh, Ltd.
2 Ganton Street
London, W1F 7QL

The Susijn Agency
3rd Floor, 64 Great Titchfield Street
London W1W 7QH

http://www.thesusijnagency.com

Louise Greenberg Literary Agency
The End House, Church Crescent
London N3 1BG

Greene & Heaton, Ltd.
37 Goldhawk Road
London W12 8QQ

http://www.greeneheaton.co.uk

Toby Eady Associates Ltd.
9 Orme Court, 3rd Flr.
London W2 4RL

http://www.tobyeadyassociates.co.uk

Wade & Doherty Literary Agency
33 Cormorant Lodge
Thomas More Street
London E1W 1AU

http://www.rwla.com

Felicity Bryan
2A North Parade, Banbury Road
Oxford OX2 6LX

http://www.felicitybryan.com

HHB Agency, Ltd.
6 Warwick Court
London WC1R 5DJ

http://www.hhbagency.com

Valerie Hoskins Associates
20 Charlotte Street
London W1T 2NA

A & B Personal Management
Ste. 330, Linen Hall
162-168 Regent Street
London, W1B 5TD

The Standen Literary Agency
41 B Endymion Rd.
London N4 1EQ

http://www.standenliteraryagency.com

Janet Fillingham Associates
52 Lowther Road
London SW13 9NU

http://www.janetfillingham.com

Jeffrey Simmons
15 Penn House, Mallory Street
London NW8 8SX

Laura Morris Literary Agency
21 Highshore Road
London, SE15 5AA

Luigi Bonomi Associates
91 Great Russell Street
London WC1B 3PS

Uli Rushby-Smith
72 Plimsoll Road
London N4 2EE

Watson, Little Ltd
48-56 Bayham Place
London NW1 0EU
020 7388 7529

http://www.watsonlittle.com

Bryan Drew, Ltd.
Quadrant House
80-82 Regent Street
London W1B 5AU

Caroline Sheldon Literary Agency
70-75 Cowcross Street
London, EC1M 6EJ

http://www.carolinesheldon.co.uk

Raft Representation
9-10 Jew Street
Brighton BN1 1UT

http://www.raftpr.com

Elspeth Cochrane Personal Management
16 Old Town
London SW4 0JY

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com