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May 11, 2008

My poor stupid Oprah book isn't ever gonna get done. The latest thing I'm calling it is Oprah's Dead Son. Maybe I'll make it a pome, instead. All advertising is spam. Here's Ginny Good in its entirety:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn1.html

Here are some sample chapters from The Audio Book of Ginny Good.

Chapter 7: North Beach, New Year's Eve, 1962
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch07m.mp3

Chapter 13: San Francisco, Tijuana, Mississippi, New York, Summer, 1964
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch13m.mp3

Chapter 19: La Honda, May, 1965
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

Chapter 23: Haight-Ashbury, Fall, 1967, Part 1
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch23m.mp3

Chapter 24: Haight-Ashbury, Fall, 1967, Part 2
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch24m.mp3

Chapter 32: Hillsborough, CA, Summer, 1982
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch32m.mp3

Chapter 35: Ashland, OR, February, 2003
http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch35m.mp3

Here's the index to the audio book:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

If you want a copy of the whole huge fifteen-hour extravaganza on .mp3 CDs for free, give me an address and I'll send you a copy. There's a bunch of other stuff on my little website, too. Click some links and see. Thanks. G.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com
http://www.everyonewhosanyone.com

"...they'll have me whipped for speaking true, thou'lt
have me whipped for lying; and sometimes I am
whipped for holding my peace. I had rather be any
kind o' thing than a fool: and yet I would not be
thee, nuncle..."

Folio Literary Management
505 8th Ave., Ste. 603
New York, NY 10018

1627 K Street NW, Ste. 1200
Washington, DC 20006

http://www.foliolit.com

Writers' Representatives
116 W. 14th St., 11th Flr.
New York, NY 10011
(212) 620-9009

http://www.writersreps.com

Jean V. Naggar Literary Agency
216 East 75th Street, Suite 1E
New York, NY 10021

http://www.jvnla.com

Jean Naggar does not accept e-mail queries. We would prefer that potential clients send queries via the US postal service. We do respond to every query that comes in the mail with a SASE, but we don't reply to all e-mail queries.

Mollie Glick is building a list of serious non-fiction and literary fiction. Original premise and strong, energetic voice preferred. Feel free to send e-mail queries to me and I will respond if I'm interested, but please do not send sample chapters unless requested.

McIntosh & Otis
353 Lexington Ave., Ste. 1500
New York, NY 10016
(212) 687-7400

http://www.mcintoshandotis.net

Foundry Literary and Media
33 West 17th Street, PH
New York, New York 10011
(212) 929-5064

http://www.foundrymedia.com

The Gernert Company
136 East 57th Street
New York, NY 10022

The Emma Sweeney Agency
245 East 80th Street
New York, NY 10021

http://www.emmasweeneyagency.com

Dystel & Goderich Literary
One Union Square West, Suite 904
New York, NY 10003

http://www.dystel.com

The Aaron M. Priest Literary Agency
708 Third Ave., 23rd Floor
New York, NY 10017-4103
(212) 818-0344

The Friedrich Agency
136 East 57th St., 18th Flr.
New York, NY 10022

PFD New York
1120 Avenue of the Americas, 4th Flr.
New York, NY 10036
(212) 626-6510

John Hawkins & Associates, Inc.
71 West 23rd Street, Ste. 1600
New York, NY 10010

http://www.jhalit.com

Gerard: I liked that chapter, but haven't I seen this before....? Warren Frazier, John Hawkins & Associates

Hey, Warren, yeah, you have, you saw part of an early version, but you haven't seen what it turned into in the last two years. It's something entirely different, although, as I recall, you liked what you saw in the first place. G.

Two years? Good lord, time flies. Well, send it along then. Look forward to reading. WF

Will do. Thanks. G.

Hey, Warren, It's been four months since I sent you the above-referenced book. I presume you've decided not to represent it, but how about returning it to me so I can send it to someone else. Thanks. G.

Hey, Warren, doesn't it bother your conscience at all to simply ignore civil questions? At your request I sent you a book. Did you get it? Do you want to represent it? Will you please return it if you don't? Thanks. G.

Hey, Warren, it just dawned on me what a total fucking cunt you are. Has it dawned on you lately what a total fucking cunt you are? It really should, you know. It will. You'll see. It'll send a little chill up your spine when you get a glimpse of your total fucking cunt self in the mirror, you total fucking cunt. Oh, and after you're done looking at your total fucking cunt self in the mirror, how about sending me my book back? Thanks. G.

Georges Borchardt, Inc.
136 East 57th Street
New York, NY 10022
(212) 753-5785

Max & Co.
A Literary Agency & Social Club
115 Hosea Avenue
Cincinnati, OH 45220
(201) 704-2483

http://www.maxliterary.org

The Strothman Agency
1 Faneuil Hall Marketplace, 3rd Flr.
Boston, MA 02109
(617) 742-2011

http://www.strothmanagency.com

Hi Gerard, I just wanted to see if it was possible to update The Strothman Agency entry on your site so that people can check out our submission guidelines? Also, we don't accept e-mail queries, but we are more than happy to look at anything that comes through the mail with a SASE. Additionally, if they have questions it is better to e-mail the agent assistant where they are much more likely to receive a response then if they were to e-mail the actual agents. Thanks so much, Lauren MacLeod, Agent Assistant

The Joy Harris Literary Agency
156 Fifth Ave., Suite 617
New York, NY 10010
(212) 929-6269

Veritas Media
111 Euclid Avenue
Hastings-On-Hudson, NY 10706
(917) 365-4435

Fletcher & Parry, LLC
The Carriage House
121 E. 17th Street
New York, NY 10003

http://www.fletcherparry.com

David Black Literary Agency
156 Fifth Avenue, Suite 608
New York NY 10010

David Vigliano Literary Agency
584 Broadway, Suite 809
New York, NY 10012

http://www.viglianoassociates.com

Lukeman Literary Management
101 North 7th Street
Brooklyn, NY 11211

http://www.lukeman.com

Aragi, Inc.
143 West 27th St., Ste. 4-F
New York NY, 10001
(212) 675-8353

http://www.aragi.net

Dear Gerard Jones, I prefer not to be listed in directories. I'd be grateful if you would remove my entry. With thanks, Nicole Aragi

Dear Nicole Aragi: Please refer to the following page for my inclusion/exclusion policy:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/about.html

It's toward the bottom. Oh, and there's more about the whole philosophical concept here:

http://www.mobylives.com/Jones_EWA.html

Regal Literary
52 Warfield Street
Montclair, NJ 07043

http://www.regal-literary.com

Stuart Krichevsky Literary Agency
381 Park Avenue South, Suite 914
New York, NY 10016
(212) 725-5288

http://www.skagency.com

Pinder Lane & Garon-Brooke Associates
159 West 53rd Street
New York, NY 10019

Elyse Cheney Literary Associates
270 Lafayette St., Ste. 1504
New York, NY 10012
(212) 277-8007

http://www.cheneyliterary.com

is that the title?

Yep. It's like Smucker's. With a title like that it has to be good. Really good. You'd like it. A lot. Wanna see some? G.

i have to admit, i'm not in love with the title. sorry to disappoint.

You'd fall so in love with the story, you'd come up with a title you loved to go with it. Trust me. (Ha!) G.

alright, you can sen the first fifty pages. thanks, elyse

Yippee! G.

Dear Mr. Jones, Thank you for giving me the opportunity to read the beginning of your novel, Oprah Wimsfree & the Mayonnaise Mans. Unfortunately, I will not be making an offer of representation. Though I enjoyed your writing, I just don't think that this book is for me. I am sorry to disappoint but, as you know, tastes vary wildly from agent to agent and you may have better luck elsewhere. In any case, I wish you the very best. Best regards, (Elyse) Elyse Cheney

The Park Literary Group
270 Lafayette St., Ste. 1504
New York, NY 10012
(212) 691-3500

http://www.parkliterary.com

Barer Literary
270 Lafayette St., Ste. 1504
New York, NY 10012
(212) 691-3513

http://www.barerliterary.com

Ralph M. Vicinanza Ltd.
303 W. 18th Street
New York, NY 10011

Donald Maass Literary Agency
121 West 27th Street, Ste. 801
New York, NY 10001
(212) 727-8383

http://www.maassagency.com

Dear Gerard, Could you send the first fifty pages with a synopsis and SASE? Please mention in your cover letter that Don has requested to see the partial. Best, Michelle

Dear Gerard: Thanks for sending the first six chapters of your novel, Ophra Wimsfree & the Mayonnaise Man. There's some good, smooth prose in this, and I like your premise. I'm afraid, though, that I felt Giselle could be better developed. She just didn't capture my sympathy or interest. I also found that the chatty narrative voice in thesepages made for a sluggish pace. I must pass on the manuscript. Sincerely, DONALD MAASS

Henry Morrison Agency
105 South Bedford Road, Suite 306A
Kisco, NY 10549

Lippincott, Massie, McQuilkin & Co.
80 Fifth Avenue, Suite 1101
New York, New York 10011

http://www.lmqlit.com

Dear Mr. Jones, I founded this new agency with Will Lippincott, who comes to the book side from the magazine world (he was at the New Yorker, then publisher of the new Republic, and, most recently has been publisher at Strategy & Business). Thanks for this. All best, Rob McQ

Manus & Associates Literary Agency
425 Sherman Avenue, Suite 200
Palo Alto, CA 94306

http://www.manuslit.com

Scovil Chichak Galen, Inc.
381 Park Avenue South, Suite 1020
New York, NY 10016

http://www.scglit.com

Gelfman Schneider
250 West 57th Street, Suite 2515
New York, NY 10107

Levine/Greenberg Agency
307 Seventh Ave., Suite 1906
New York, NY 10001

http://www.levinegreenberg.com

Elaine Markson Agency
44 Greenwich Ave.
New York, NY 10011

Brandt & Hochman Literary Agents
1501 Broadway, Ste. 2310
New York, NY 10036
(212) 840-5773

***Redacted***

Dear Gail: I'd cut off my left foot to get you or Bill Contardi, either one, for an agent, but I think you were already scared off by the thriller. Bill was looking at it for a long time, liked it, gave me some useful suggestions and sounded all gung-ho to proceed, but after he checked with the agency with whom he was working--which turned out to be your agency--he put the brakes on the project because it included Oprah Winfrey as part of a fantasy which was induced by a giant aneurysm in the main character's brain. I'm still in the process of figuring out whether I want to fictionalize the Oprah character or not. In the meantime both you and he are welcome to take a look at an earlier version of the memoiresque thing I mentioned. Oops, never mind, it got sold. Thanks again. G. cc: William Contardi

Note: According to Joanne Brownstein, Assistant to Gail Hochman, Gail Hochman is no longer accepting e-mail queries.

***Redacted***

Dear Bill: No, I'm not the comic book Gerard Jones. I was Gerard Jones before he was, by the way. I had a book set in the sixties which I think you took a look when you were at Wm. Morris. I've included a synopsis. I've been told by some fairly heavy-duty agents, including Suzanne Gluck, that editors aren't going to touch this thing with a ten foot pole 'cause it includes Oprah as a character in a long fantasy the protagonist has while she's unconscious. They may be right, but a couple way heavy duty editors have already asked to see the whole manuscript. The writing is solid. It's a fun story. Think Being John Malcovich. As for biography, I studied with Gordon Lish before anyone ever heard of him. I got him started in the writing seminar business, as a matter of fact. Anything else you want to know I'd be happy to tell you. Thanks. Gerard Jones

***Redacted***

Dear Bill: Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I agree with them for the most part, have already substantially fiddled with the last 15 chapters or so and fully intend to go back and fiddle some more with precisely the bits you pointed out as being on the weak side. I'm still not entirely sure how the sucker's gonna end yet so it's silly at this point to go over the whole thing with the kind of fine tooth comb you're talking about, but when I DO know how it ends, I'm sure the beginning will comport more fullly and more cogently to the end. I might also change the title to ASTRAL WEEKEND. I'll send you a new version when I get it done. Feel free to say anything else that crosses your mind. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Dear Bill: The way I understand the law it has to be a fantasy/parody, but it also has to be extraordinarily good--like I bit off a lot and am gonna have to do a modest amount of chewing. I think, however, that a bunch of people are gonna want to read the thing and I also think that when Oprah's people take a look at it, she'll want to produce the movie so she can star in the thing. She'll be pissed for awhile that I resurrected her dead kid and reunited the two of them, but it's a fantasy, after all, a parody, a dream, and Larry Flynt, Jerry Falwell and Jerry Falwell's mother all got together in an outhouse and gave us the Supreme Court decision that we have a right to fantasize and parody and dream about any public figure we want. The other reason it has to be a fantasy (it's actually a function of a giant aneurysm in old Giselle's woebegone brain) is that it all takes place in February of 2002 and people are gonna be aware it didn't really happen. The way she wakes up is really slick. You'll see. Oh, and one last thing, Leslie Gelbman told some editor named Allison McCabe to read the thing. I sent it to her a couple months ago, but haven't heard back. Okay, that's it. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Bill: Whoa. That was a quick about-face. What happened to good old "And I'm not afraid of Oprah. So bring on the rest of the manuscript. Bill?" The guy who only this morning said, "I would think the sometimes big dame is fair game." Yikes. What'd whoever you checked with tell you? No, no, don't tell me. Look, this thing is a realistic portrayal of a realistic chick who, when she has a giant intracranial aneurysm pressing upon the temporal lobe of her brain, has realistic fantasies. They're gonna include who and what they include. It's not illegal to have a fantasy of or to parody a public figure. The Simpsons do it all the time. Get Oprah's permission. Let her play herself in the movie like John Malcovich played himself in Being John Malcovich. Don't be quite so frightened quite so easily or quite so quickly. I know what I'm doing, and it's good. There's plenty of ways of skinning proverbial cats. Perhaps if you see how the whole thing plays itself out you'll see what I'm talking about. An average woman conked out and the detritis of her conscious mind including facts readily available to her from having read "The Wit and Wisdom of Oprah Winfrey" and from Oprah's show became manifest as a realistic "dream." Big whoop. How am I supposed to "de-Oprah the story and/or transform her into someone fictional or historical?" You tell me. In a hundred years the only thing anyone will know about Oprah Winfrey will be that I wrote a book about her. Thanks again. G.

***Redacted***

Bill: You're a reasonable, straightforward guy. So am I. We'd probably work well together. I appreciate that you're trying to build a list of writers and it's common sense to steer clear of "difficult" projects. I could easily write the thing without Oprah. She sort of fell into the role due to her proximity to Rockford, Illinois more than anything else. She was a good fit, however. I don't really need her. It was a reasonable, accurately researched, well founded fantasy. Personally, I thought I was doing her a favor, but if she's gonna get all bent outa shape by being associated with a decent book for once in her life, fuck her. Maybe I'll use Whoopie Goldberg instead. Whitney Houston. Connie Chung. Geraldo. Hilary Clinton. Martha Stewart. Toni Morrison. Maya Angelou. Or some totally fictional character. Oprah ain't all that integral, although I aslo think that whatever shit she stirred up would only serve to sell more books. Land of the free, home of the brave, oh, yeah. I liked your editorial suggestions and know I'd be a good guy to have on this list you're building. The stuff I write ain't ephemeral schlock, however, if that's what you're looking for. I've got a book before this one and a book after this one. What did these people say, anyway? Just that she's a litigious control freak? Let me know what you want to do. G.

***Redacted***

Ah, how soon they forget. I copied you in an email to Gail Hochman. Thanks. Hey, good agency you found for yourself. Congratulations. G.

***Redacted***

Hey, Bill: I've got this fifty year-old Martinique chick who writes self-help books, like "Up Your Nose With a Rubber Hose, bin Laden," in mind. I wouldn't have to change the character too much as it's already written, but I went off on a tangent with this publishing industry directory bullshit. You should see the kinds of stuff I'm getting. I totally fall off my chair laughing. I'll absolutely keep you in mind. I've always heard nothing but good things about Gail Hochman. You should have said that was the agency you were affiliated with. I would have gotten rid of Oprah in a minute. I've definitely changed the title to ASTRAL WEEKEND. And I've still got all the other stuff you said to fiddle with. Thanks again. G.

The Blythe Agency
25 Washington Street, Ste. 632
Brooklyn, NY 11201
(718) 781-6489

http://www.blythe-agency.com

Dear Gerard: As I use your site all the time, I just wanted to make you aware of the formation of The Blythe Agency. I'd be honored to be included on the site. Thanks.

Hey, Rolph, I wondered what happened to you. Here's the page I put you on (do Cntrl + F and type in your name to find yourself):

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/agus2.html

And here's the most authentic "voice-driven" chapter of any book you've ever read or you're ever gonna read. Thanks. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

JCA Literary Agency
174 Sullivan Street
New York, NY 10012
(212) 807-0888

http://www.jcalit.com

Gina Maccoby Literary Agency
P.O. Box 60
Chappaqua, New York 10514

McCormick, Williams
104 West 70th Street
New York, NY 10023

http://www.mccormickwilliams.com

Dear David: Dan Menaker suggested I send you a sample of the above-referenced novel. I'd love to do that. The next book I was going to write was going to be The Ultimate Golf Book. It was going to be a big job. Glad you beat me to it. Now all I have to do is go read it. Let me know how much you want to see & I'll send it right away. Thanks.

Dear Gerard, Dan said your novel is really good and that he thought i would really like it so I'm grateful to him for recommending me. The UGB turned out all right, if i don't say so myself. If you're interested in golf books, I'd love to talk about that, too. David

I'm gonna attach a little golfing vignette as an .rtf file to see if you can read it all right. I'll send the real book that way if you like, but I don't mind sending it in the mail. Let me know which you prefer. Thanks. G.

Dear Gerard, Your writing is energetic and funny and Giselle is a good character. But I'm afraid The Mayonnaise Man conceit seemed to me to work against the drama rather than enhance it. I don't think I'm the right agent for this book, but I'm grateful to you (and Dan) for the chance. Best, David

Jane Rotrosen Agency
318 East 51st Street
New York, NY 10022

Joëlle Delbourgo Associates
516 Bloomfield Ave., Ste. 5
Montclair, NJ 07042
(973) 783-6800

1112 Montana Ave., Ste. 286
Santa Monica, CA 90403

http://www.delbourgo.com

The Balkin Agency
PO Box 222
Amherst, MA 01004

Dear Gerry: I am sorry to have to turn down your prizewinner; I am busy making a living selling schlock and so I can't afford to take on excellent writers like you. Best of luck in your quest for the Nobel... Rick Balkin

Rick, You at least have some semblance of a sense of humor. Good luck with the schlock. Thanks. G.

Take any info you want form my listing in LMP or Writer's Market. Rick Balkin

Thanks. Here's how I've got you listed. G.

Dear Gerard: I think I prefer to being immortalized by you as a schlockmeister, perhaps also in your memoirs after you've won the Nobel for your masterpiece, rather than adding to or modifying my listing. I was disappointed not to find your email query describing your work as a prizewinner, etc. Don't be so modest! Rick

Dear Rick: Okey dokey. Oh, and it's masterpieces, by the way, plural. I'm thinking I'll win all those awards in the categories of both fiction and nonfiction in the same year for the same book. The next year it'll probably have to be just fiction all by itself. I don't think I said Nobel, though--Pulitizer, National Book Award and that Booker thing, that's it. Modest is my middle name. That Booker thing might still be only for Brits, but they'll no doubt make an exception. Here's a little sample that kicks the crap out of anything that won any of those silly prizes in the last twenty years. G.

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/audio/GGch19m.mp3

Update: March, 2006

Dear Gerry: I really enjoyed rereading our exchange and wouldn't change a word. Someone with your pluck, sense of humor, chutzpah and balls really deserves some publishing reward (I suppose a novel in print would do, yes?). For $500 or less there are, as you know, three (more?) legit on-line publishers.... maybe that is the way to go. Best of luck and keep on truckin', Rick Balkin

Well, since GINNY GOOD has been published since April, 2004 and won some prizes and got some great reviews, I no longer own the rights to publish the sucker with some dickweed on-line publisher, right? I made a fifteen hour audio book out of it all on my own, however, which is far and away the most important work of literary art ever made and which I'm giving away for free. There's more to life than selling schlock. Really! There is! Believe it or not! Go listen to a litle of my slick audio book and see:

http://everyonewhosanyone.com/ggsyn.html

It's about a billion times better than any of the giddy, contrived, toucy-feely, "redeeming" horsepiss that have won pussy Pulitizers or namby-pamby National Book Awards lately, that's for sure. It's tough being the best writer alive when everybody's been so brainwashed by preposterous puke that nobody even knows how to read anymore. Thanks. G.

Brockman, Inc.
5 East 59th Street
New York, NY 10022

http://www.brockman.com

Dunow, Carlson & Lerner Agency
27 West 20th Street, Ste. 1107
New York, NY 10011
(212) 645.7606

IMG Literary
825 Seventh Avenue, 9th Floor
New York, NY 10019

http://img/literary.com

RLR Associates
7 West 51st Street, 4th Flr.
New York, NY 10019
(212) 541.8641

142 Chalaka Place
Palm Desert, CA 92260
(760) 341-6307

http://www.rlrassociates.net

The Fischer-Harbage Agency
115 W. 29th St., 3rd Flr.
New York, NY 10001
(212) 695-7105

http://www.fischerharbage.com

Rosenstone/Wender
38 E. 29th Street, 10th fl.
New York, NY 10016

The Blumer Literary Agency
350 Seventh Avenue, Suite 2003
New York, N.Y. 10001

Elaine P. English
4710 41st Street, NW, Ste. D
Washington, DC 20016
(202) 362-5190

http://www.elaineenglish.com

Graybill & English
1875 Connecticut Avenue, NW, Suite 712
Washington, DC 20009

http://www.graybillandenglish.com

(@) = Not a corporate fascist. (Feel free to apply for non-corporate fascist status...simply tell me in fifty words or fewer why you think you're not a corporate fascist.)

(*) = E-mail bounced. Correct information much appreciated. In fact, anyone who knows anything I don't know, let me know.

(!) = E-mail blocked (just mine, not yours), probably 'cause the intended recipient and/or the company by which he or she is owned and operated is an extra brainwashed, super chicken, corporate fascist goon.

(666) = Asked not to be contacted (by me, not by you), very likely because he or she is a happy little slave boy or a happy little slave girl and doesn't want it any other way, uh-huh, uh-huh.

Gerard Jones
everyone@everyonewhosanyone.com